Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
