Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
