hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Randomize
