you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
