Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize
