i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
