I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
