so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
