Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
