So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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