you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
