I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Randomize
