I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Randomize
