trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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