Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
i think i just lost a toe
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Randomize
