Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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