i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
In other news, I just burned my penis
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Randomize
