I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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