I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
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His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
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Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
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