Will you blow on my dice?
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Randomize
