I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize
