the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
