I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
