I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Randomize
