theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
