Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
