I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
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