dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
