I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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