Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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