New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
