the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
