I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
