wrigley field is MILF paradise
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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