Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
