New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
