He is such a slut. More and more my type.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Randomize
