i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
