i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
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