i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
