was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?