woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
