A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
