Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
