I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
