I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
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