wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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