Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
