Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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