College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Randomize
