i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
smell my finger.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
