I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
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At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
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I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
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