Hey man sorry I got all grabby
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
