I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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