is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
