I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
