Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
