Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
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