I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
