So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
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